My Journey: Dealing with an illness and its stigma
I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism 3 months ago.
Just saying that for me is such a big thing. I haven’t told anyone but my closest friends and family. Why have I been so ashamed of it… I really don’t know.
Everything started about a year and a half ago. I suddenly started gaining weight. It was understandable at the time because it was the time I dropped out of college and was not doing anything. So a few pounds were not that big of a deal, I would go back to school and shed them. By the end of 8 months I had gained about 55 lbs (25kg). I should tell you that I’m 5′5 (165cm) and was around 121 lbs (55kg). I would fluctuate between 116-123lbs (53-56kg). I was never tiny, but I was never fat (although I thought I was, but we’ll talk about that later). I was a voluptuous, beautiful girl (there I said it).
I had gotten extremely lazy, or that was what some said. I couldn’t get out of bed. I had no urge to do anything. I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t want to get up, I didn’t even want to have sex that much. I started feeling self conscious. Everyone kept telling me to get off my ass, I couldn’t, I just physically couldn’t get up off my ass.
I felt like I couldn’t look in the mirror, I hated the person I saw. I was now fat, therefor disgusting to society. People mocked fat girls online, my friends mocked fat girls in real life. So, I did what I did and shut off myself from my once very busy social life.
I think if hadn’t had a rock in my life, a man that loved me and accepted me no matter what I looked like, I would have gone insane. It was an endless circle of feeling tired, feeling sad, feeling angry, feeling disgusted.
We moved to San Francisco. I started feeling like I was in a stranger’s body. I started getting stretch marks. I would not recognize my arms or legs or stomach. I felt so sexy and beautiful inside that I would be startled when I looked in the mirror. I stopped looking at mirrors.
Probably 5 months into our friendship, a now ex friend, took me aside and said “look admit it, come to terms with it, your fat. I used to be fat when I was 11. I felt so much better when I lost the weight. You eat a lot, don’t lie. I want to see some change in your weight when I come back from my trip”. This broke my heart. I tried to explain that I did not eat that much. As a matter of fact I ate too little. This was the time I realized there was something wrong with me.
A month later she came to stay with us for a while. She was shocked to see I ate nearly nothing. I was rarely hungry. She asked me why I was so fat when I didn’t eat anything. I was pissed.
I was constantly sick. I had two horrible sinus infections back to back. I couldn’t get out of my bed for two months. When the infections ended, I still couldn’t get out of bed.
I was tired, I had insomnia, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. I would wake up shivering every morning. I would vomit my guts out. I felt dizzy and cold. You couldn’t rip me out of bed with a crane. People started calling me lazy and fat.
At that time I was talking to a dear old friend who told me she was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I researched it and realized that I could have something similar to it.
I went to a doctor, told her how I felt. She checked my glands and said they looked normal. She was instantly aware that there was something wrong when I said I gained 55lbs in a year. I got blood tests done.
My blood test came back, and my TSH level was 6.606, where as the norm was 0.5-3.0. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I felt relieved. It was not my fault, everything that happened was not my fault. The doctor started with a low dose.
It was a month before school ended. I was taking a design class. My teacher was a pompous bitch. I gave her doctor’s notes and explained what was going on. She told me, right to my face, that ok, I had a illness, but I was actually lazy and not committed to the class. I hated myself for going to that bitch’s class even when I was puking my guts out, crying on the floor not able to get up. She failed me with a D+, where C was a passing grade.
After hearing this, I started feeling like I was exaggerating, it wasn’t like I had AIDS, or I had Cancer. It could be worse. So I started thinking that I was sick, ok, but I was actually lazy and that it wasn’t the illness’ fault, it was my fault.
I got blood works done after a month and a half. I was still gaining weight, instead of loosing it. I still felt like shit every waking day. My blood works came back in the normal range, a 1.9. I went back to the doctor, only to get my dosage raised. I started feeling better the next day. The difference between 50MCG and 75MCG saved me. I still wake up a bit shaken but, I get up and go out side, I don’t vomit. My libido came back roaring. I even lost some weight. I FELT BETTER, I FELT HAPPY!
I still don’t eat that much. I actually forget to eat anything during the day and eat at night. Extremely unhealthy. I keep track of what I eat and fail to go over 2000 calories a day most weeks.
It’s been a little over a month since they upped my dosage and I’ve already lost 8 pounds (4kg). Let me also tell you a few things about hypothyroidism. You will not loose weight even though you eat barely nothing, you will constantly feel tired, you will have the blues -everyday, even if you go to the gym, you will not loose weight.
So to my actually point. I was 120lbs and I was a young, pretty girl. But I felt fat! I am ashamed. I look back and yearn for my so called fat days. What are they feeding our brains that a healthy young girl thinks she’s fat! What are they feeding our brains that we make fun of fat people, dismiss their emotions, tell them to stop stuffing their faces, tell them to get off their fat asses.
My dad and aunt used to make fun of me in my thinnest days, told me that no one would love me if I was fat, looking good was more important than feeling good, that I had to be careful or I’d be fat, they would tell me that they see young girls on the street and I oughta be like them. I know it sounds fucked up, but these are the lightest of the things I’ve heard.
We want everyone to be photoshop perfect. I had friends become anorexic, and some friends become obese. No matter what we do, if we’re 80lbs or 120lbs, 200lbs or 300lbs, we feel like shit! regardless of what the reality is. If it’s not our weight then it’s our nose, or boobs or ass, or freaking droopy eyelids.
I went through emotions I can’t even explain. I’ve revealed as much as I was comfortable with, so know that it wasn’t that much. I know that a lot of people won’t understand and will dismiss it. If you’re the one person out there who feels/felt like this. Know that you are not alone, and it’s not unimportant. The fact that you feel like shit is never not important. Embrace yourself, be happy, be healthy. Fuck the world.
I’m at the beginning of my treatment, which is a life long one. I have to take a purple little pill every morning so I can feel better. I have no complaints. I will grow stronger and better every day and after a while I’ll get over all this shit.
Hopefully my next post on the subject will be about hypothyroidism in popular culture. This is just a small glimpse into what I want to say.
Looking for Models
I’m a fashion designer looking for models who are available in August and the first half of September (in San Francisco). We will be shooting some catalog shots and some editorial stuff. The shots will be for an online catalog and portfolio.
What I want:
I make my samples in size 8. (No bigger than size 8, and no smaller than size 4)
I expect the models to look healthy.
I don’t care if you are an amateur, this would be a good start to build your portfolio.
I don’t have a lot of rules, you do your own thing and make the clothes look good.
How to contact me:
Send me an email at eda(at)denizeda.com
Include your name, age, size.
Include at least 3 pictures from different angles. More is appreciated.
We will be shooting in San Francisco.
Why People Sometimes Need to STFU
Actually I wrote a whole post then erased it when someone sent me this.
Maybe it’s me who needs to stfu and chill out. No matter what I say, people will still be idiots, they will still be ignorant and uneducated and no matter what, they will troll.
So what I did was block the suckers. Thank you Berge for being awesome, it made me laugh.
Michael Jackson Passes Away
After a refreshing shower I sat down in front of my laptop to see many people on friendfeed wondering if he really passed away this time.
Tmz reports that he had a cardiac arrest and was rushed to the hospital, where he passed away, at age 50.
I felt broken. I was sad. But not because he died. Because in my eyes an era had ended.
We twist and turn and break these child celebrities and rejoice in their misery.
I honestly believe he was a pedophile. I believe he harassed those kids. I can only hope that the news of his death might help them cope with their demons. I can only hope that their families were smart enough to get them help so they, one day will not turn into him.
Michael Jackson became a celebrity at such a young age. He was the son to an abusive father, who pushed him and his siblings to work like slaves.
A young boy, at 11, treated as a man, pushed into fame. He had to grow up but never could. He was left to live with Diana Ross, who he idolized, he was away from hi family, he was the moneymaker.
He never got to explore his sexuality, maybe he was gay. He was never given the option. He was never given the option to grow up.
We sat and we enjoyed it. We enjoyed that he dangled his son out of a hotel window out of frustration. And we would have enjoyed it more if he had dropped him.
We enjoyed that Britney Spears had a break down. We enjoyed that Lindsay Lohan turned into a drug addicted whore.
We feel better that these people we build up come crashing down.
It was not “Wacko Jacko” that harassed those kids, it was us. And the cycle goes on.
An era has ended, another Elvis bites the dust.
And we go on to wreck other lives for our enjoyment.
We have fun mocking him after he’s dead.
I do believe that this is final this time, he passed away. I hope his pain stopped and I hope many others are now peaceful.
He left us with great music.
I do not call for a moment of silence but a moment of humanity. Stop… think. Have a conscience. A person has passed away. A life has ended.
A Trip to Sausolito
Sausolito is this small Mediterranean looking town at the north of San Francisco. It’s right after you pass the golden gate bridge.
Last Sunday we took a trip to Sausolito, not because I particularly wanted to go there but because I wanted a ride on a ferry.
Te weather was beautiful, and.. it rarely is in San Francisco.
So we got onto the ferry and started our trip.
(beware it’s going to be a photostory post :)
Fisherman’s Warf:
On the Ferry:
What was actually going on:
My angelic man (who will go macho when he hears I called him that:) :
We really really love crabs:
Tiburon:
These houses rocked!
All in all it was a great trip. I constantly looked like this:
We’re now looking at houses in the area. I love visiting new cities, even though they’re actually 5 minutes away.
And finally leaving the north bay:
G’day everybody.
Also, check out my flickr account.
Grow Nails Grow
I bite my nails. No matter what I do I can’t stop. I can vaguely remember the time I stopped biting my nails and let them grow. Eren hates it and I hate that I can’t put on nice nail polish. So I’m trying something new and trying not to go on an insane nail biting spree.
I bought this drugstore growth treatment. It’s called nutra nail growth treatment plus green tea. It promises to make my nails grow faster and stronger. Sounds like a bunch of bull crap but lets see. Any one with nail growth tips, hit me up.
Must.Let.Nails.Grow.Long.
Masquerade!? Really? YES!
A good friend of mine, azizk (also a school mate) just recently finished his thesis.
I think the video is EPIC. It might be because I know him or it might be because it IS!.
The dude is obviously very talented. He is extremely humble. He is awesomesouce. He graduated from AAU with a MFA in Animation.
Watch the video. (it was also on kanye west’s blog, hehe.)
Masquerade from Aziz K. on Vimeo.
The song is Ghinzu – Jet Sex.
Also check out his blog.
Rybak, Eurovision and not much more.
So the Eurovision song contest is over. For the people who have no idea what it is, it’s a annual song contest where countries from europe enter songs and try to win. Why you ask? I have no idea.
It’s a strictly political. Everyone gives their highest points to their neighbors. Turkey always gets high points from Germany, Holland etc because of the Turkish minorities.
Anyways, Turkey entered the contest with a singer named hadise, and her song and performance sucked. Nothing new there. But for some reason, other countries, especially the big three England, Germany and France (who fund the competition) busted their asses this year.
For England, Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote and composed the song, and he also had a “reality show” to pick who would sing it. It bombed.
For France, Patricia Kaas sang.
For Germany, Dita Von Teese showed her titties.
Now for the Winner, RYBAK.
Alexander Rybak was my favorite, I wanted him to win. His song was called Fairytale. Which I loved and added to my song list. Bla bla bla. whatever.
The interesting thing was, how men reacted to him.
They called him a monkey, talentless, ugly. They said they wanted to punch him in the face. They said he was horrible. They compared him to extremely ugly people.
What the women did was swoon. Most women I saw, loved him too. They thought he was cute, and talented and looked young. What more can a girl want.
The guy is extremely charismatic. He got up on stage and filled it. He smiled. He was charming.
So for men, I personally think many were jealous.
For women, this kinda proves that women rather like a man who looks like they would be romantic and curl up in the bed with you and sing songs to you etc etc. He looks sincere. I think that won him many points.
So most women choose a cute, lively man over a douche bag like this. Joel Rush, who was the runner up in “True Beauty”, a reality show “searching for America’s most beautiful person”.
Decide for yourself, here is fairytale, by Rybak.
Ida and What Pisses Me Off
I realized that the blog has a lot subjects regarding Turkey. Well then, here is one more.
I didn’t see a lot of response to ida from Americans, as my friends in San Francisco are smart, reasonable people and tend to think like me in similar situations. But sadly friendfeed has showed me many idiotic Turks who don’t believe in evolution. (which I would say believe is not the right word, but I can’t find another one)
First up, tard, you may not believe in evolution (which in your case makes you a stupid asswipe) but don’t go around making fun of Darwin and Ida (she is a damn fosil you brainless piece of shit). Anyways, I find it funny that people do believe in creationism, so basically a invisible guy made a human out of dirt and made a woman out the dirt guys ribs, then they fucked their brains out and then their kids fucked each other (and possibly them too). This story has already become illegal in many countries. So you’d rather believe we are retarded children of incest who are made of dirt, than believe we evolved from a single celled organism.
Another thing that pisses me off.. Why do people say that they did not come from monkeys. Yes, we know that, we shared an ancestor. This is their first go to argument “I’m not a monkey, are you?”. No tard, I’m not a monkey. No, my grandfather was not a monkey. I know your brain can’t contemplate that evolution happens on a million year basis. It doesn’t happen in ten years. Open a book that’s not the khorana or the bible.
As for Ida, she was dubbed the missing link. I hope she is. She was just discovered. We can’t expect her to be understood right away.
New York described her as
“Described as the ‘most complete fossil primate ever discovered,’ the specimen is a juvenile female the size of a small monkey. Only the left lower limb is missing, and the preservation is so remarkable that impressions of fur and the soft body outline are still clear. The animal’s last meal, of fruit and leaves, remained in the stomach cavity.”
There is a lot debate over what she is, is she a adapid? They don’t now yet. But let us please trust the palaeontologists, men and women of science to extract the right information.
I also get pissed when they challenge scientist to “prove” shit. No tards, science does not have to prove anything to you. Found a quote on NewScientist.com, they have a great article on the subject.
And there’s really no debate at all. As the Knight Science Journalism Tracker wrote, while commenting on a similar slant in the Wall Street Journal story:
“The two fields, one of doubt-based scientific inquiry and one of faith-based declaration, don’t really debate. They hardly speak.”
To read more on the subject go to
or watch the bbc video
I’m out for the week
I’ve actually been out for more than 2 weeks and I’ll probably have no time for the blog until may 16th. It’s the finals week and I have officially turned into a bitch, who needs to sleep.
This is what my Design teacher makes me feel like this:
I’ll be back soon. Take care.
Here is something awesome until next time.
