My Journey: Dealing with an illness and its stigma

I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism 3 months ago.

Just saying that for me is such a big thing. I haven’t told anyone but my closest friends and family. Why have I been so ashamed of it… I really don’t know.

Everything started about a year and a half ago. I suddenly started gaining weight. It was understandable at the time because it was the time I dropped out of college and was not doing anything. So a few pounds were not that big of a deal, I would go back to school and shed them. By the end of 8 months I had gained about 55 lbs (25kg). I should tell you that I’m 5′5 (165cm) and was around 121 lbs (55kg). I would fluctuate between 116-123lbs (53-56kg). I was never tiny, but I was never fat (although I thought I was, but we’ll talk about that later). I was a voluptuous, beautiful girl (there I said it).

I had gotten extremely lazy, or that was what some said. I couldn’t get out of bed. I had no urge to do anything. I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t want to get up, I didn’t even want to have sex that much. I started feeling self conscious. Everyone kept telling me to get off my ass, I couldn’t, I just physically couldn’t get up off my ass.

I felt like I couldn’t look in the mirror, I hated the person I saw. I was now fat, therefor disgusting to society. People mocked fat girls online, my friends mocked fat girls in real life. So, I did what I did and shut off myself from my once very busy social life.

I think if hadn’t had a rock in my life, a man that loved me and accepted me no matter what I looked like, I would have gone insane. It was an endless circle of feeling tired, feeling sad, feeling angry, feeling disgusted.

We moved to San Francisco. I started feeling like I was in a stranger’s body. I started getting stretch marks. I would not recognize my arms or legs or stomach. I felt so sexy and beautiful inside that I would be startled when I looked in the mirror. I stopped looking at mirrors.

Probably 5 months into our friendship, a now ex friend, took me aside and said “look admit it, come to terms with it, your fat. I used to be fat when I was 11. I felt so much better when I lost the weight. You eat a lot, don’t lie. I want to see some change in your weight when I come back from my trip”. This broke my heart. I tried to explain that I did not eat that much. As a matter of fact I ate too little. This was the time I realized there was something wrong with me.

A month later she came to stay with us for a while. She was shocked to see I ate nearly nothing. I was rarely hungry. She asked me why I was so fat when I didn’t eat anything. I was pissed.

I was constantly sick. I had two horrible sinus infections back to back. I couldn’t get out of my bed for two months. When the infections ended, I still couldn’t get out of bed.

I was tired, I had insomnia, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. I would wake up shivering every morning. I would vomit my guts out. I felt dizzy and cold. You couldn’t rip me out of bed with a crane. People started calling me lazy and fat.

At that time I was talking to a dear old friend who told me she was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I researched it and realized that I could have something similar to it.

I went to a doctor, told her how I felt. She checked my glands and said they looked normal. She was instantly aware that there was something wrong when I said I gained 55lbs in a year. I got blood tests done.

My blood test came back, and my TSH level was 6.606, where as the norm was 0.5-3.0. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I felt relieved. It was not my fault, everything that happened was not my fault. The doctor started with a low dose.

It was a month before school ended. I was taking a design class. My teacher was a pompous bitch. I gave her doctor’s notes and explained what was going on. She told me, right to my face, that ok, I had a illness, but I was actually lazy and not committed to the class. I hated myself for going to that bitch’s class even when I was puking my guts out, crying on the floor not able to get up. She failed me with a D+, where C was a passing grade.

After hearing this, I started feeling like I was exaggerating, it wasn’t like I had AIDS, or I had Cancer. It could be worse. So I started thinking that I was sick, ok, but I was actually lazy and that it wasn’t the illness’ fault, it was my fault.

I got blood works done after a month and a half. I was still gaining weight, instead of loosing it. I still felt like shit every waking day. My blood works came back in the normal range, a 1.9. I went back to the doctor, only to get my dosage raised. I started feeling better the next day. The difference between 50MCG and 75MCG saved me. I still wake up a bit shaken but, I get up and go out side, I don’t vomit. My libido came back roaring. I even lost some weight. I FELT BETTER, I FELT HAPPY!

I still don’t eat that much. I actually forget to eat anything during the day and eat at night. Extremely unhealthy. I keep track of what I eat and fail to go over 2000 calories a day most weeks.

It’s been a little over a month since they upped my dosage and I’ve already lost 8 pounds (4kg). Let me also tell you a few things about hypothyroidism. You will not loose weight even though you eat barely nothing, you will constantly feel tired, you will have the blues -everyday, even if you go to the gym, you will not loose weight.

So to my actually point. I was 120lbs and I was a young, pretty girl. But I felt fat! I am ashamed. I look back and yearn for my so called fat days. What are they feeding our brains that a healthy young girl thinks she’s fat! What are they feeding our brains that we make fun of fat people, dismiss their emotions, tell them to stop stuffing their faces, tell them to get off their fat asses.

My dad and aunt used to make fun of me in my thinnest days, told me that no one would love me if I was fat, looking good was more important than feeling good, that I had to be careful or I’d be fat, they would tell me that they see young girls on the street and I oughta be like them. I know it sounds fucked up, but these are the lightest of the things I’ve heard.

We want everyone to be photoshop perfect. I had friends become anorexic, and some friends become obese. No matter what we do, if we’re 80lbs or 120lbs, 200lbs or 300lbs, we feel like shit! regardless of what the reality is. If it’s not our weight then it’s our nose, or boobs or ass, or freaking droopy eyelids.

I went through emotions I can’t even explain. I’ve revealed as much as I was comfortable with, so know that it wasn’t that much. I know that a lot of people won’t understand and will dismiss it. If you’re the one person out there who feels/felt like this. Know that you are not alone, and it’s not unimportant. The fact that you feel like shit is never not important. Embrace yourself, be happy, be healthy. Fuck the world.

I’m at the beginning of my treatment, which is a life long one. I have to take a purple little pill every morning so I can feel better. I have no complaints. I will grow stronger and better every day and after a while I’ll get over all this shit.

Hopefully my next post on the subject will be about hypothyroidism in popular culture. This is just a small glimpse into what I want to say.